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Monday, November 30, 2009

Dear God, I'm back

I last posted on the 13th of November. At that time, I thought that I couldn't do the blog anymore, that it was too painful to remember the things I was remembering and that I needed to move past the pain. I ended with an account of Andrew’s last night. I somehow thought that doing so would put all of it in a neat little package to be packed away, be forgotten about, and life such as it were would resume.

What fools we humans can be.

And so I am back. I thought that I no longer needed the "therapy" it was providing me by giving me an outlet for my grief - and to a degree I was correct because I have come to terms with my grief. I've realized how I will react to things pertaining to Andrew and more importantly, that those reactions are never going to change - that I will always choke up when speaking of him, that I will always tear up when picturing him in my mind's eye.

So why am I back ?

I want to scream as loudly as I can that at 5:21 a.m. on September 26, 2009, my life fell apart. The life I had known for 56 years - every aspect of it, everything I held near and dear, every memory good or bad, every  fiber of my being, everything that defined my life - changed.

I knew at the moment Andrew passed that "my life had changed forever". My son had died, he would never be back and my life would never be the same for that but I had no idea what else could and was about to happen ....... That the very foundation of my existence was about to change forever and irrevocably.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes screaming makes me feel better - a few weeks ago I screamed into my pillow so the neighbours didn't think I was crazy & for a few hours after it I felt better.


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